Sex Column: The Female Orgasm

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It is one of those unfortunate facts of life that men and women cannot, or at least not without considerable medical assistance and a bucket load of money, ever truly experience what the other feels during sex. So gentlemen, I am here to open your eyes to the wonders of the female sexual experience.

Where to begin….well, why not start off with the oh-so elusive female orgasm? Now I fully accept that in this day and age many of you young men will spend not only a portion of your time, but maybe most of your time, devoting yourselves to surfing the great interweb for porn. Firstly, let me clear up one fact for you: touching a woman for under five minutes, or rapidly seeking your own pleasurable conclusion, is unlikely to achieve a satisfactory ending for her. “REALLY?!” I hear you cry. Sadly, I speak the truth (although I’m prepared to believe some lucky girls out there might be able to). Secondly, writhing like a wounded animal and screaming like a screech owl are also not necessarily part and parcel of lady’s climax.

So, what advice can I give you how to bring that mysterious beast out of the woods? Clearly it will depend on the individual but there are a few overarching themes. Number one, is thoughtfulness. Sex is supposed to be a mutually pleasurable experience. MUTUALLY pleasurable. That bit is key. Don’t be selfish. Don’t be an oaf. Treat your partner with a little respect, take some time, learn her strange proclivities. One metaphor I could relate this piece of advice to is this: don’t be a F1 driver, careering to the finish line to receive your trophy. You’re not Lewis Hamilton, I hate to break this to you. Instead, be like a chilled Sunday morning driver, winding your way up a magnificent hill, to gradually reach its peak where you get to behold a stunning view with wondrous undulations in the landscape, where you get to listen out for the gratifying sounds of your labours.

She’ll thank you for your time I assure you. Maybe she’ll even return the favour. Maybe she’ll be too exhausted and sated from your efforts. If so, well then yes it’s unfortunate she’s too sexually satisfied to assist you, but the reality is that you will certainly have left an impression.

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