Why do we spay plort?

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It is a strange headline I know and probably not the best for a first ever article, but all will be revealed in good time. The idea for this article came to me from an experience I suffered about eighteen months ago during a game of Rugby.

It was a pre-season encounter between Jersey Colts and Petersfield. We had the game won and it was down to the last few un-important moments. The ball had been kicked up into the air and had plummeted back down to earth with such velocity that it made the Petersfield winger shit his pants and run in the opposite direction. I saw the opportunity.5606869322_a0af91ddf9_b

I sprinted for that open ball like any decent blindside would have done. Unbeknown to me three other players had the same idea and charged towards the ball. We all met at exactly the same place at exactly the same moment causing a gargantuan collision as the three other protagonists of this story bounced off my head. I was the only one left standing, but the only one who couldn’t remember his middle name.

After that, I went to see the club doctor who recommended I stayed off sport for a week. Foolishly, I listened to her and was back playing the game I love in no time. Less than a month later I was back dribbling with the same injury from another head collision, this time solely from one of my own players. This turned out to be a regular occurrence for me and no less than four concussions later, I find myself writing this article.

For those who don’t know concussion is very funny for the innocent bystander as the victim comes out with the most fascinating drool about why trees should be pink or why birds don’t sing U2 or they mix up the letters of words and so claim to have ‘drain brammage’.

For the victim themselves, it is like the worst hangover you have ever had, day after day after day. The effects are not completely desirable around exam time either and I count my lucky stars that I’m here and not at UWE.
Despite this, I couldn’t fight the urge to play sport. I would still go to the gym or go to training even though it made me mad. So this led me to think: ‘Why do we spay plort?’

It is a complex question. Somewhat unscientifically, I decided to wander around Wolfson Level 4 in an attempt to answer it. So I went round cunningly slipping in my question into the general conversation and surprisingly I got some pretty decent answers. Most of the answers mentioned the social; sport is the best way to meet new people, people who you will befriend for life, people who actually share something decent in common with you rather than the fact that they get in your way when you’re trying to cook dinner. Some people like to play sport so they can eat whatever the fuck they like and justify it. Others see it more as an ‘emotional escape’, a chance to get away from the hustle and bustle of exams, work or a girlfriend. Some people do it because they want to do it as their career, but these people are freaks. Some people do it to keep fit.

These are all valid reasons and are great ways to get into sport. But the answer I got most was: ‘cos I enjoy it’. This was the answer I would have given too. Sport is fun! You may have not had a good experience in your sporting career thus far but that doesn’t mean you won’t like another sport. Exercise releases endorphins which are proven to make you happy. There are over forty-eight sport clubs at Bath, why not give one of them a try? They cater for all abilities, so even if you do have two left feet for eyes, they will still accept you (though they may stop letting you come after one or two sessions) and then you could be part of the wonderful world of sport. Who knows, maybe you could be the next Chris Hoy? Though not if you’re a girl, or if you don’t take up cycling.

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Ben Cochrane is an Engineering student. He writes about University of Bath issues, including sport. He also does creative writing.

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