Sixty nine Bath students are believed to have died over the weekend in a series of sexual mishaps believed to have been brought about by the première of Fifty Shades of Grey.
The worst reported case on campus came in Woodland, where a flat of fresher’s decided to make use of their large rooms and disposable income to hold a high class orgy. An emergency call was received at 11:05, however due to suspected cases of autoerotic asphyxiation all the doorknobs in the flat were pulled out, delaying entry by thirty minutes. One security guard who wished to remain anonymous, said “it was horrible, we could hear them screaming and felt so powerless. They were so loud, so full of terror. Occasionally there would be a moan, but it was immediately overwhelmed by the weeping and shrieking. It’s going to haunt me.”
When campus security finally broke down the door they found five students choking to death on £50 notes, three entangled in a premium sex swing and one impaled on an ivory strap on. Six more had heart attacks due to the combination of performance enhancing drugs, cocaine and strenuous physical activity, whilst at least ten students are believed to be in hospital with a combination of scarring, bruising, broken bones and serious psychological shock.
Tommy Parker, the SU Officer for Community, released a statement following the tragic events; “The Student’s Union is asking for students to exercise extreme caution in relation to any attempts at S&M. We request that everyone who attempts of the moves seen in Fifty Shades of Grey consult the Student’s Union guidelines on ‘Bondage and Kinky Fuckery’, and also make sure to stretch and warm up properly first.
“The SU has reached out to hardware stores in the city and now any outlet that sells rope, cable ties or chains will now refuse to sell to anyone with a student card, unless they can prove that they have passed the online Level 3 S&M training course on Bath Student. Finally, there have also been reports of illegal and extreme sex toys being imported from Russia. The SU is currently offering an amnesty for anyone who has these items but wants to get rid of them.”
The problems in Bath this weekend were also seen up and down the country. 34% of middle aged women are believed to have received treatment in A&E for a sexual related injury and there are thousands of reported cases of ‘male ring removal’. The country wide death toll is believed to sit at somewhere around 15,000, with David Cameron referring to the situation as ‘an epidemic’.
He released his statement from an undisclosed location as “I need to hide from Samantha, I can’t take it, I’m not 21 any more for fucks sake. It hurts, oh God it hurts. E.L. James is definitely going to be my last hush hush state murder.”
Disclaimer: This is a spoof news piece. Nothing reported in this article actually happened and the people in it did not actually say the things what we said they said. It’s humour, innit.